Should I Stay or Should I Go?

We have always said, "Home is wherever I'm with you." But where is home when I can't be with you?

Military wives share many ties that bind. Our mentalities are so similar, because no one understands the highs and lows of our complicated lifestyle better than each other. But when the patch chart says it is our turn to face a deployment, I have noticed that one big decision tends to split us right down the middle.

Should I stay at our current duty station in a military community that understands how it feels to live a deployment? Or should I temporarily relocate back to my childhood home with the support of family?

All military wives, even if just for a moment, contemplate this dilemma. But I do think those of us running the circus of parenthood now with one ringleader rather than two tend to wrestle with it harder and longer. There are are a handful of pros and cons to each option, and my head spun trying to navigate them all when it was my turn. There is no better way to sort through it than to hear first-hand experiences. I hope this collection of real life reflections will help guide those currently sitting at the scary beginning of one of the biggest challenges we face as military moms.

TO STAY

"My husband deployed and three weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our first baby. I had a full time job and was going to school, so I had already planned on staying at our current duty station for the length of my husband's deployment. When I found out I was pregnant, my parents wanted me to move back home (California), but my home was in Arizona, and I had a job and friends to help with anything I needed. I decided to stay home, work, and finish school. Our son was due around the same time my husband was to redeploy, so the plan was for my parents to drive to Arizona the second I went into labor and be here for me until my husband came home. Our son was born the day my husband landed, but he missed the birth by like 18 hours. The pros to staying home was I was in the home I made with my husband and our dog. We lived on post so I felt completely safe. I loved my job and school which helped keep me busy and my mind off missing my husband. Minus my husband missing the birth of our first child, I would not do things differently the next time. I have learned that people back home don't always understand the military community and often don't know how to support family members going through a deployment."
-Breanna, Fort Gordon, Georgia 

"My husband deployed when our son was 18 months old and returned when he was 27 months old. I decided to stay where we were because we had a great support system. I had a ton of friends and generally loved where we were in terms of our life there. I also wanted the consistency for our son. The biggest reason I chose to stay is because I wanted to still be close to the resources the Army provides when spouses are deployed and to be near our Army family. The biggest positive for me was avoiding the hassle of moving and then moving back, and I was able to be really connected to and involved with the FRG. The biggest negative was that we were not near family at all. But, while being closer to our families would have been great, we weren't lacking in support from our Army family. You really learn how to make the people around you your family. If I had to do it again, I'd absolutely make the same choice. In a way, I already kind of did. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with our second, and my husband is at Ranger school. The next graduation date he would qualify for is 5 days after my due date. I decided to stay here at Fort Benning for many of the same reasons I decided to stay in Kansas. Our Army family takes care of us because everyone knows that you'd do the same for them. Even though I'll most likely deliver our second without my husband, I wouldn't change the decision to stay. Being near our families would be great, but our son and I don't want for anything. All I have to do is ask and someone will help. So, I guess I stay because I want to be able to pay it forward to our Army family when the time comes."
-Jessica, Fort Benning, Georgia

"Our view is wherever we live is 'home'. He and I are from completely different parts of the country. I chose to stay in our military community when my husband deployed for a few reasons. Our daughter was about 4 months old, we have a large dog, and I work full time, so moving to where my parents live would have been a major event in and of itself. We also had been at that post for about a year and had a decent network of friends. Not to say it was easy, I had to find childcare on my own so I could go back to work, but I think that it was the best solution for us. I met some incredible people who became surrogate family. I really feel like the stability was best for our daughter, even though she was so young. She had the same room, same crib, and same routine the entire time he was gone, and I really think it made homecoming that much easier. He was able to give her a bath, bottle, and read to her (he had recorded videos before) the night he got home. To be honest, I am pretty certain I will stay wherever we are living if/when we have the same situation again. I feel like the stability is better for all of us." 
-Nicole, Texas 

"When we found out my husband was going to deploy I was quick to decide that I was going to stay put in our house in Georgia. In the almost six years he's been in the Army we've moved five times, so the last thing I wanted to do was have to move yet again. Instead, I have planned trips to visit home, my in-laws in Houston, and a few Army friends that are scattered throughout the US. To me, my hometown and my parents houses don't feel like 'home' anymore. It always feels as though I'm just visiting. Besides that, my friends at home, although I'm still close with them (and love them dearly) are in a completely different chapter of life than I am. With being a stay at home parent, I have found a community at our current duty station of other stay at home parents who we stay busy with. In New Jersey, all of my friends and family work, so in my eyes it wouldn't provide me the support during the day I would like. I want people to keep us busy, which is much easier in our military community. I think the positives are a military community who understand what you're going through and having your own space. My son is currently one and a half and will be a little over two when my husband gets back. I don't think he even realizes daddy is gone so I think this is a good time for him to be deployed. As for if I would do it this way again, I'll get back to you about that in January, but I don't think I would change anything. Three months down, nine to go."
-Alli, Fort Gordon, Georgia

TO GO

"My boys were almost two years and six months old when my husband first deployed. I wasn't working at the time, so we went to Wisconsin. Most of my family is up there and it was a great opportunity for them to spend some time with the boys and the boys to get to know their family. My husband will be deploying again in a short while. The boys are now three and a year and a half with a baby due in August. He will be gone until winter and will miss the birth. I would love to be able to stay at Fort Bragg the entire deployment, but I am not comfortable with my birthing options. We had our second baby in Wisconsin and had an amazing experience. My parents live five minutes from our small town hospital and I was able to have a water birth with a wonderful midwife. Even if my husband was here for the birth, we'd still have the baby in Wisconsin. This deployment we will head to Wisconsin in June and head back to Fort Bragg in September. I'm always ready to go back to my own home after a few months. For me, the negatives of leaving include missing the comfort of my own home during a stressful life transition with a new baby (there is something about your own bed, kitchen, bathroom, and house in general that can't be replicated), missing my friends, packing up everything for three kids and traveling 19 hours with two 100 pound dogs and then traveling back with a new baby, transferring medical providers for me and the kids, having to get someone to watch the house and mow the lawn, and figuring out daycare (either pay to keep their spots or risk losing them). I'm more than happy with our decisions thus far, but as far as going home again for an entire deployment, I don't think I'd ever do that just because it's so much easier to keep everyone happy with a routine."
-Addie, Fort Bragg, North Carolina

"Brian went to Korea for a year straight out of West Point. We got married five days after he came home, and then two weeks later he moved to Fort Lewis. Unfortunately, he joined a unit that was already deployed, so after spending two months at home he deployed to Afghanistan for six months. We had no kids yet, and I was unhappy in my grad school program in Florida, so I ended up leaving the program and moving out to Washington to spend three weeks with him before he left. I didn't know a soul, but I felt like it was important for me to go out there and be 'initiated' (for lack of a better term) as an Army wife. It was my first experience with a deployment, and I felt like it was important to be surrounded by those in a similar situation, to make fast friends with those I could relate to, and to seek comfort in being surrounded by camouflage. I also thought it was an important growing experience for me as a person. I basically have a ton of self confidence now in knowing I can move to a place where I literally know no one and find friends and happiness. It was definitely the right decision for me at the time. My second deployment experience was eight months after Mikey was born. We had just gotten to his new unit at Fort Sill when Brian was selected to replace one of three casualties for the remaining eight months of a deployment. We had 13 days notice, so it was a whirlwind. I hated Fort Sill, had no support network, and the unit lacked communication so I knew immediately that I would move home. It worked out that we had a friend move into our house and paid all the bills and rent. This was the best decision ever. I didn't care that I wasn't surrounded by military, I was with my family in a place that I loved. I had help with Mikey, and I stayed busy. It was a very positive experience and I would do it again in a heart beat. I gave Mikey and my mom a rare opportunity for military families. They bonded so strongly, and I'm thankful they had that chance. It was just great all around."
-Marianna, Fort Bragg, North Carolina

"I'll start off by saying that we chose for me to go home. However, this decision was not easily reached. There were many nights that my husband and I discussed what I would lose and gain from each decision. I have always been very close to my family and my husband's family. So spending time with them while my husband was away seemed like the perfect fit. On the flip side, I had developed really great friendships on post, and I felt guilty to leave them. In a short time, they had become my family, too. I knew that I had an OBGYN back home that I wanted to deliver my baby. I had developed a really great relationship with her, and it seemed like any other doctor fell short of what she could provide for my pregnancy. These two factors played a huge role in our decision. To be honest, my husband and I did not agree on my placement during his deployment at first. There are so many benefits to living on post during a deployment that are not easily accessible when you're living at home. The bond within the Army community is unshakable. My husband wanted me to be a part of that, but as time passed, the need for me to go home became more clear. The only negative that I faced going home was a lack of understanding at times. I always had my family's support, but until you experience the Army lifestyle, it is hard to relate to what a family faces during a deployment. Things may seem okay on the outside, but there's a constant strain on your mind about if your husband is doing okay. I will admit that living under my parents roof again was challenging, but that's expected with any situation. The positives for going home far outweigh the negatives, especially in my situation. I was not well during my pregnancy and having my family's help each day was huge. Things felt right. I was back home with my family, friends, OBGYN, and church. Ultimately, I do not regret my decision to go home. Some days would have been easier if I were on post, but I've grown so much since I've been back home and I've become even closer to my family. I would make the same decision again in a heartbeat."
-Anonymous, Fort Riley, Kansas

"I don't want to leave this brand new beautiful house we have built, but I know I can't sanely survive out here with two babies by myself after another c-section. For me, it's about staying busy and positive. There are several pros to moving home. First of all, both sets of grandparents are there. That gives me a ton of helping hands. Our current home is about 25 minutes away from the nearest urgent care or hospital, so it scares me to think about what I would do in an emergency by myself. What if something happened to me even? Who would know? It would just give me a sense of security having family around. Before we moved to Oklahoma I was very involved with lacrosse. Coaching fills this huge void in my heart. I was also dedicated to cross fit. That community was my family and a huge support system for me as well. They are so encouraging and motivating and I need that physically and emotionally over the nine months Clay will be gone. It's easy to be sad especially when you're alone, so I plan to fill my life with positive people during that time. I felt like going home would be selfish for a lot of reasons, especially after building this new house with my husband, but I've prayed about it a lot and I think in this case it's okay to be selfish. As wives we always put our husbands and our family first, and we can get lost in the routine of things. I have to feel like I have a purpose outside of my home too in order to be happy, so I am going back to a place where I know I have a purpose. I may get home and feel like I've out grown everything from my past, but I'm going to at least try. Home is where our husbands are, and when your husband is gone you have to do what you need to do to keep home a happy environment. Everyone's way of doing that is uniquely different!"
-Brooke, Fort Sill, Oklahoma

MY STORY

My husband was given unusually short notice in September of 2014 that he would deploy in October to Afghanistan as a combat engineer platoon leader for nine months. The anticipatory grieving period was short for us, and I did not have long to determine where home would be for me. I decided to stay in Tennessee to deliver and raise our baby girl rather than return to Michigan to live with family, and here are the reasons why.

• HOME | We moved into a beautiful house off post in January of 2014. It is truly the perfect home for us right now, and I could not imagine packing up at 30 weeks pregnant to leave the place where I and my beloved dog and two cats felt best. Plus our neighborhood is so quiet and safe. My neighbors always have eyes on our house and cared for us during deployment through small acts of big kindness (mowing the lawn, cooking meals, shoveling the driveway, recycling our Christmas tree, etc.). Given all of this, uprooting us from an ideally secure and happy living situation seemed senseless. There is something to be said about sleeping in your own bed and cooking in your own kitchen, especially during the messy transition of bringing your first baby home. 
• WORK | I started a great nursing job at Vanderbilt working with breast cancer clinical trial patients in March of 2014. Although the brutal combination of new baby, lengthy commute, and deployed husband did bring me to leave my position eventually, having solid roots I was proud of in my career played a big role in defining which home felt right for me. My boss, coworkers, and patients were and still are incredible sources of support and encouragement.
• SOCIAL | I had already formed a close knit group of girlfriends by the time deployment orders were written. Through mutual friends, I knew of four wives, who would later become family, whose husbands would be deploying with mine. Before the day for goodbyes had even arrived, our first girls night was already on the calendar. We carried each other through our worst days. Don't get me wrong, my friends who are not military affiliated were great sources of strength for me and counting down to their visits kept my chin held high. But in my opinion, there is no replacement for spending time with friends who just get it.
• FAMILY | The glue that sealed the decision for me was my family. I am fortunate to have parents who will drop nearly anything to lend their support. My mom was in the delivery room with me and lived with us for the first six weeks of Eloise's life while my dad ran their busy restaurant solo back in Michigan. He and my in-laws made weekend trips down to provide much needed respite too. I know not everyone can be afforded this kind of support, and my decision would have certainly been more difficult to make if I had been entirely alone. I spent many days after my mom left functioning independently, but I always had a countdown going to the arrival of a chance for me to catch my breath.

Brad has now been home for almost exactly as long as he was gone, and our deployment baby has grown into a beautiful 16-month-old little girl. Looking back, I 100% believe I made the right decision for all six of us (fur friends included). There was priceless comfort in knowing I could avoid the look of pity and disgust when someone heart me say my husband was not there for his daughter's birth and would miss the first half of her life. That horrible look from just about everyone outside of our military community was enough to sour a perfectly good day for me. You just don't have to deal with it when you are amongst people who have been there themselves. I also think Brad was proud of us for embracing the military community during a deployment rather than running from it. It eased his mind, too, to picture us in the home we had built together for our growing family.

For me, the decision ultimately came down to the length of time we had at our duty station prior to deployment and the roots we had been able to plant. My home, work, social, and family life were all settled enough to serve as a solid foundation. There is no right or wrong decision when it comes to defining home during a deployment, and I hope these courageous ladies' stories have shed light on exactly that. You have to do what will make your heart the most happy and your daily life the least chaotic.

POINTS TO CONSIDER

• Network of support and friendships
• Proximity of quality healthcare
• Availability of desired birth plan components
• Safety of neighborhood and home
• Commitment to career or education 
• Meeting the needs of pets
• Home security and lawn maintenance if vacant
• Availability of childcare and school needs 
• Involvement in hobbies and fun
• Ability to plan visits or host guests
• Building bonds with extended family
• Comfort of personal space and belongings
• Consistency and routine for kids
• Involvement with deployed unit's FRG 

If this helped even just one confused reader with a deployment looming, mission accomplished. And if nothing else, I hope you have enjoyed reading the wise words of eight superhero military wives as much as I did. Thank you all! Each of your unique stories and strength left me in awe (as always) of military wives and mothers. 

What helped you decide where home was during deployment?

A Deployment Birth Story: Part III

A Deployment Birth Story

Part I

Part II

So Kayla asked me to write this in a particular format to compliment the way she wrote her own side. But true to form, I'll tell it in my own disorganized way, through a handful of the letters I wrote to Eloise:

7 November 2014 --- So I’m waiting in the back of a truck about to go on a patrol in Afghanistan and decided to write you a letter. I am really curious about when you will read this. What will life be like? How old will you be? Will you have other siblings? Because right now you are -2 months old, or -1.5 (whenever you feel like coming). It would be really great if you came on time so that I might be there. If you could fit that into your busy schedule of growing and developing that would be great. Just pencil me in between your lung and motor skill development. I hope you have a good sense of humor or you at least laugh at all of my bad jokes. That is really the important thing.

                                             Love, Dad (first time I’ve actually written that)

8 December 2014 --- You are about -1 month right now, and I’m not on a patrol! I’m in the bathroom…by bathroom I mean port-a-potty. By the way, Afghanistan smells bad. People throw their trash around everywhere, and they don’t have plumbing. There are open creek beds that run through the middle of the villages that carry all of their waste. Because it doesn’t rain much it tends to sit there…hence the bad smell. I’m certainly not complaining about our own accommodations though, we live like kings compared to what the guys earlier in the war had to live with. We have showers and running water rather than a bucket and burning poop. Not pretty. Can I say I miss you yet? I am not sure because I haven’t met you, but I cannot wait. We just found out that I will not be coming home to meet you when you are born. Mommy is really upset, and I am too. Such is life, we will take it in stride. I’ll try not to let my silly job make me miss too many big life events. It is really hard for me because I love what I do. I love the country which provided me with everything I have and all of these freedoms, but it frequently takes me away from you and mom (and the paws!). I don’t know kiddo, we shall see.

10 December 2014 --- Trying to write more. I used to journal all of the time, but I lost the habit. I always try to get your mom do the same because she has such vivid dreams. Going to get some bad guys tonight.  What a strange world we live in. I really hate that a job like this has to exist, but you cannot deny the evil in the world, nor ignore it. That is really something I would like to impress on you, never turn a blind eye. This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do, but you will always remember the things you did right, and will never forget the times when you didn’t.

17 December 2014 --- I don’t know what to tell you today, how to impart wisdom and guidance without giving your kids the same prejudices that you don’t even know you have? How do you learn from my mistakes without narrowing your world view or hampering your growth and development, but still spare you unnecessary pain? Is there even such a thing? Is pain and personal suffering good? I know in training it is, why else would so many people sign up to be starved and tortured with exercise. I don’t know love, but I hope that you understand that everything I try and teach you has a reason to it. Everything we do has a purpose, always know what the purpose is. It might not be a great reason, but always know.

22 December 2014 --- Stressful day yesterday. We got stuck in a ditch for about 12 hours. Started the patrol at 6 am and didn’t get back until midnight. Bad day, but no one got hurt. Excited for Christmas, except that we will be doing inventories in Afghanistan… yay. I try and take a positive outlook on everything and be excited about life, but it is hard sometimes. I miss your mom and all of the paws. I hope you get to know and love them like we do. Oliver and Lola have gotten your mom through some hard Army days, and Ruby has been helping her through this deployment. I love you and cannot wait to meet you.

25 December 2014 --- Merry Christmas. Started off today with a patrol at 0600, didn’t get back until 1600, and then I got yelled at for not being back when I was supposed to. The general came to see us off before our patrol because it was Christmas. We talked about the history of the 101^st at Bastogne on Christmas in WWII. It felt pretty amazing to be in the same lineage as those tough legends, but all I feel now is the distance from home. Had a platoon dinner with all of the guys because we all feel it. Ok, complaining session over, missing Christmas sucks. I had a long day and that is ok. Hard times make hard people, and hard people run the world...or something like that.

26 December 2014 --- In the same mood I was in yesterday. I just miss home.

29 December 2014 --- Grandma Sue got me a new notebook for Christmas. I was writing in the back of the notebook I take to meetings, because I always have it with me, but this is much nicer. I don’t have to keep tearing out pages. I have another long mission tonight, but I got some sleep which is good. Seven hours in three days is no bueno. Everybody gets nervous around American holidays so we tend to be a little busier. Everyone has been asking me if I’m ok these past couple of days, I must have looked a bit rough.  Like I said before, hard days make hard men (and women!). It isn’t always easy to affect what goes on around you, but you can always choose how you react to it. If you let situations break down your willpower and resolve, that is your choice, not what is going on around you forcing that decision. Be strong. People flock to strength and leadership. Anyone can learn to be mentally tough, it just takes a lot of practice and resolve.

30 December 2014 --- Weezy, I think you are coming soon! As you will learn when you are older, your body will start showing specific signs prior to giving birth, and mom is showing these signs! Still very weird to me to say mom and dad, those are my parents not me. I am very excited though, the world is about to change. What I find really interesting is that I will have memories of you that you will never have. You will be alive and an active participant, but will not remember. Such an odd thing, that you will learn and grow but not remember. Maybe that is so that we can mess up a bunch and you won’t be able to hold it against us :) 

4 January 2015 --- Happy Birthday! I saw you this morning, and you are more adorable than I know what to do with. That was a very surreal experience for both mom and me. Life doesn’t stop here because important things are happening at home. I went on a patrol yesterday just like normal, (CPT Smith actually got a bit mad that I did. “What if we got stuck out there for 48 hours?” he asked me.  It was a good point, but I feel very protective of my guys and have a hard time not being with them when they go on missions.) I told everyone that you were on your way and that I was going to be out of touch for a while. Full of nervous energy I went to dinner and bought some energy drinks in preparation for a long night (you were born at 1:25 am for me). Mom and I had some technical difficulties that were very annoying. First FaceTime wasn’t working, then Skype stopped working, and we kept going back and forth. My roommate SSG Hunter wished me good luck and fell asleep. I sat there watching through my computer as mom got an epidural (the nurse forgot I was there, I got a great view of the giant needle). And then watching as mom's labor got stronger and stronger. It was such a helpless feeling. I could do nothing but was still trying. I counted breaths for mom like they taught us in the birthing class, but that was all I could do. I couldn’t believe how brave and strong mom was in that moment. I snapped a few pictures without her knowing. She hates how she looks in them, but your mom has never been more beautiful to me. Once you were born she just kept telling me how perfect you were, I couldn’t help but agree. I don’t think I have ever been more proud of your mom than I was at that point. You were such an easy delivery, even the nurses and doctor commented on it. Now, let the debate begin…mom might say your birthday is January 3^rd but I know the truth! The 4^th will be daddy’s day. We love you so much, I just can’t believe you are finally here. We waited so long. Mom was very tired afterwards so we signed off. I remember sitting in the dark room with a very confusing mix of happy and sad emotions. But what do we do now? Oh the most important question that life has to offer.

5 January 2015 --- I woke up yesterday and my family was all on their way to meet you for the first time. My whole world has changed. You entered our lives, and I learned a whole new meaning of fear. Fear of messing up, fear that I wasn’t going to be a good enough dad, fear that I wouldn’t ever get to meet you, fear that I would never be able to forgive myself for not being there for you and mom.  Everything has changed, but I’m still here. Six months to go. 

So that’s my story. A hard mix of happiness, joy, sadness and frustration. A lot of guilt. Guilt that wasn’t relieved until I got off that plane at home and got to hold Eloise. In a sense, it didn’t seem real for me yet. I knew she was there, and I knew she was amazing, but in some part of my brain it seemed too far away. I thought I loved her then, but not until I kissed her forehead in that sweaty hangar in July did the reality of it set in. This is my daughter. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen (except Kayla obviously). I will love her for the rest of my life, and maybe then I could forgive myself. The only thing she will ever know is my love, no matter how far.

A Deployment Birth Story: Part II

A Deployment Birth Story

Part I
Part III

01.02.15 // Friday

2 pm: When asked at my 38 week appointment if I had felt any contractions, I shrugged my shoulders and replied with that first-time-mom confusion, "I don't think so?" My obstetrician, Dr. Anderson, laughed and said I would definitely know if I had, but he wanted to check me for dilation anyways. I practically skipped out of the office to my mom in the waiting room, who had been with me since Christmas, just beaming. I was 4 cm dilated, 75% effaced, and at a -1 station. In English for the non-parent readers, I was in fact progressing and Eloise had dropped down significantly. She was coming! Dr. A knew I was really scared to labor without Brad and, as strange as it may seem, a big part of me wanted it to come and go quickly. My eyes were set on the prize of meeting my daughter. I wasn't going to get those beautiful moments with my husband, seeing him hold our girl for the first time. The quicker I could get past those moments where his absence felt palpable and painful, the better. On my way out, he said he was delivering at the hospital through Sunday, and he bet on her arrival before then. He instructed me to come in to see him with any regular contractions, smiled, and winked a goodbye at me. I'm endlessly thankful he understood exactly where my heart and mind were that day.

All evening: Walk, walk, walk. Spicy food for dinner. Try to measure and count contractions, but I really had no idea what I was doing or feeling. Walk some more. My mom and I joked that this was the best night of our walk-loving dog Ruby's life. We debated going to the hospital, but I decided I wanted one more good sleep in my own bed. Not to mention, a few weeks prior someone had joked with me that January 2nd might be the worst day for a birthday. Everyone is feeling down at end of the merriest season, and we're all dreading coming out of our stretchy pants to return to the reality of work and a cold winter ahead. Nope. I wasn't going to do that to my girl. Obviously, one day would make all the difference.

01.03.15 // Saturday

8:00 am: Sleep in. Shower. Sliced apple and raspberry coffee cake for breakfast. This is one of my favorite birth story details. Such a specific and odd, pregnant lady breakfast! I absolutely insisted on it, and my mom was fabulous about catering to my every silly request. Our morning was actually very leisurely and not at all how I pictured the hours before delivering a baby would be.

9:00 am: Walk, walk, walk. I'm not kidding. I probably walked waddled a marathon.

9:30 am: After more confusion trying to time contractions, my mom persuaded me to just go to the hospital. As we drove, she excitedly exclaimed, "You are going to have a baby today!" I immediately shot her down. "MOM. NO. STOP. They'll probably just tell me my contractions aren't regular or strong enough and send me home." So rude! But I was trying to prepare my heart to continue to wait when it was already carrying enough ache. We were just 68 days into a start to finish 266 day deployment, and surviving the holiday season nine months pregnant without Brad had been brutal.

10:00 am: We checked in at the hospital and I was hooked up to a monitor that tracks contractions. Before a pattern could even be noted, I was checked for progress and admitted to the hospital. I was officially having my baby! I was dilated to 5 cm, and Eloise's head was extremely low. The triage nurse couldn't believe I was physically able to sit down that's how low she was. Dr. A met with me personally to say I could go home if I wanted to try to progress naturally, but he already knew what I wanted. He said his preference would be to break my water manually and give me a small dose of Pitocin, a drug that accellerates contractions. He knew given how low she was, with or without intervention, she was coming soon and fast. And again, he knew I wanted to speed past the hurt (literally and figuratively) and have my baby.

11:00 am: The next few hours were a whirlwind of IV's, painful contractions that took my breath away, and struggling to get Brad connected via video chat. Eventually my nurse recruited the hospital technology guy to help. She could see the fear in my eyes as I was dilating fast and Brad still wasn't "there" on screen with me. Such a weight was lifted when he finally appeared in his 'Best Dad Ever' Darth Vader shirt. He had a huge, handsome smile on his face and an energy drink in hand. It was the middle of the night in Afghanistan. Only his face was lit by the glow of the screen in the dark of his bed, and his staff sergeant slept soundly across the way. But he was ready.

2:00 pm: My goal was always to progress as long as I could without an epidural but never to completely rule it out. The day was going to be tough enough, I didn't need to make things any harder on myself by dealing with the guilt of asking for pain management after I had vowed to deliver naturally. In my own career as a nurse and with friends, I had seen this guilt crush new moms too often. I didn't want my first moments with Eloise to by plagued by any negativity. I planned to take each moment as it hit me and decide how much more my body and emotions could handle. Now at 7 cm dilated, I asked my nurse to let me labor a while longer without pain management, but as soon as she walked out the anesthesiologist walked in. He said he had been hovering at the nurses' station watching my monitor. If I didn't get an epidural right then, I wasn't going to get one at all. I agreed to have it placed before I missed the opportunity, and my mom was asked to leave the room. Apparently, too many spouses had been passing out during the procedure. My nurse comforted me through it, but in the rush everyone had forgot about Brad, who gets queasy at the sight of needles, sitting helpless with a front row view from the computer on my bedside table! In the middle of a very chaotic and nervous moment, I hear my husband say, "Hey Kayla? I accidentally saw your booty. It still looks great." Everyone laughed hard, and my spirits were lifted. I so love that guy who is always good for a laugh.

2:30 pm: Much to my surprise in my comfortable epidural bliss, it was time to push! By this point, Dr. A was already there. I've heard horror stories of doctors running in to catch the baby and running out. Not mine! He was there through the whole thing, cracking jokes with Brad and coaching me through every step. Brad was the one counting for me during rest periods in between each push. Remembering the sound of his voice filling the room, encouraging me, still leaves me speechless. His ability to be there for me without being physically present was incredible.

2:55 pm: Pushing was a really odd sensation for me, and I remember asking again and again if I was doing it right and moving her along. Apparently I was. Only five hours after arriving at the hospital and maybe 20 minutes of pushing later, I met our daughter. I must have shouted her perfection through tears to Brad a million times or more. The nursery nurse that cleaned Eloise and took her initial measurements ensured computer-Brad was transported over to the infant warmer to watch just as any new dad would. She explained everything to him and zoomed in to show him every perfect detail of our girl - all ten little fingers and toes. We had decided just before I was 20 weeks pregnant on a name but didn't share it with anyone. Not a single soul. So much of our lives these days is public news, but we wanted to savor this one sacred thing between just the two of us. Not to mention we didn't care to hear anyone else's opinion on the name we chose for our child. Minutes after she was born, holding her to my skin, I looked up at my mom and said, "This is Eloise." I know that moment is one of the best of my mom's life. She still cries happy tears when she talks about it. Words could never suffice when it comes to explaining how grateful I am for my mom. I hate that Brad couldn't be there, but I am thankful it afforded my mom an opportunity she may never have had otherwise. She saw her first grandchild take her very first breath. And she watched me, her own baby, conquer a challenge I didn't believe I was brave or strong enough to face.

The rest of my 31 hour total hospital stay was a whirlwind. I thought my first labor would give family plenty of time to make the 90 minute flight or even 8 hour drive from Michigan. As it turned out, Eloise was too excited to be here and didn't allow anyone any time for travel at all. It was actually a blessing in disguise to share so many sweet hours alone recovering and bonding with her before the rest of her grandparents and aunts arrived to cover her in kisses.

Leading up to this day, I was more nervous about the actual labor and delivery without Brad. I thought once I got through it, I'd be too busy with newborn life to feel the sting. I actually struggled much more afterwards in the weeks of postpartum recovery. Her birth day was so fast and emotional, I didn't have much time, energy, or emotion beyond extreme love to feel upset. I really only had one big break down that night. My family had all gone to rest and celebrate new life together at our home. Brad was who knows where doing who knows what since it was a new day in Afghanistan and there were missions to be completed. There I was with Eloise warm and safe in my arms. She was perfect and healthy and everything I had prayed she would be, but I had never felt so alone or scared. The enormity of the day had just hit me, and I wanted so badly to look over and see Brad snoozing on the stiff couch where spouses were supposed to be. But he wasn't there. I knew he would've given anything to be there. So I wiped my tears and kissed our miracle on her tiny head. There was no other option but to focus on the positives and take one step at a time. That is exactly what I did day after day until Eloise's Daddy came home safe and sound six and a half months later to meet her.

I need to step on to my soap box for a second before I wrap up, so bear with me. There are a lot of strong opinions voiced about what labor, delivery, and parenting should look like for all women. I have a lot of respect for ladies who opt to labor naturally and deliver without any pain medication, but I have an equal amount of respect for those who do not. There are so many controversial topics that cause a big divide between moms that I could dive into, but I just think we are all superheroes. Plain and simple. End of story. The way we all love our sons and daughters is our common ground. It's indescribable. I believe we instinctively do what is best for those tiny humans we love most, including what is healthiest for ourselves in each challenging phase of new parenthood. I carried a lot of shame for a long time when I told our birth story. Anyone who has spent any time around Eloise, a baby born by way of an induction and an epidural, knows she is and always has been the definition of a perfectly happy and healthy baby.

With time I became proud of our story, exactly as is, because it led us to where we are now as a family. Each choice I made helped shape the exact little girl Eloise is growing to be. Every moment she gave me the strength I needed, beginning in October when I said goodbye to Brad and could feel her tiny kicks with each tear that fell, our bond as mother and daughter strengthened too. I wouldn't dream of changing a single thing about our complicated story.

Eloise Mae, someday I hope you will read these words and understand just how important your birth day was and always will be to me. You are so loved.

A Deployment Birth Story: Part I

There are two sides to every story.

These posts are something I've been looking forward to documenting yet dreading. The details are still vivid now, but I know they won't stay that way as the years fade them. Unfortunately and honestly, the memories of our first baby's birth sometimes still feel like fresh, deep wounds that I am still desperately trying to lick clean. But when someone asks, "How did you do it?", my attitude completely flips. I feel like I am standing tall on the top tier of an Olympic medal ceremony when I tell our story. The heavy weight of the memory hangs around my neck, but I barely recognize it as a symbol of the pain in the journey because the immense pride I feel is overwhelming.

How did we do?

We just did it. Together. Yet apart. 

There were 7,412 miles between me and husband when Eloise Mae was born on January 3, 2015 at 2:55 pm...or January 4, 2015 at 1:25 am depending on which of us you ask. It was definitely the scariest time of my life but also the most exhilarating. Many moments were dark, yet my world had gained the brightest little light. Deciding how to convey all of my conflicting emotions appropriately made me realize that my muddled version isn't even the only tale that needs to be told. Brad witnessed his daughter's birth alone in pixels from a war zone. Hours after she was born, he led a platoon of combat engineers in a route clearance security mission. Let that sink in. Much of his perspective that you'll read here I had never heard before until I asked him to write about it. I'm so thankful that I did.

B Co. 2-327, Kandahar, Afghanistan 2015

So here it is. Eloise's birth story told from each of our perspectives and from two sides of the world. It is our family's unique story, and we love it in all of its messy beauty.

Hey, Stranger!

Wow. To say I have neglected this blog would be a dramatic understatement. After looking back at my last post SEVEN months ago, I've determined the cause: work. Rather than drag on about all of the things that have happened in our lives, I will attempt to sum things up quickly.

1. We moved! I wrote way back in December about our new house we had just purchased. We are now all cozy in said house and frequently look around with our jaws on the ground in awe that we live here. Of course, we are still plugging along on our fair share of home improvement projects. I strongly suggest hanging laundry room cabinets with your spouse if you are on the hunt for a true test of the strength of your marriage.

Laundry Room Makeover: Before & After

2. I got a job! I began a new adventure as a Research Nurse at Vanderbilt's breast cancer clinic in Nashville. Research nursing is an entirely different world than my two years in acute care oncology. There are positives, like playing a small but important role in the completely fascinating and promising journey towards a cure. But honestly, the stationary desk time just really is not my cup of tea. Overall, it felt amazing to be back interacting with patients and great co-workers again at a place as renowned as Vanderbilt.

3.  We're expecting! Yes, you read that right. We found out on May Day 2014 that a mini Witt is joining us in January 2015! We had just reprogrammed our brains to focus on careers rather than babies after a few disappointing months when I landed my new job. Obviously our little one had a timeline all her own. It actually puts so much peace in my heart and mind knowing this little girl is absolutely meant to be ours at this exact time in our lives. I cannot wait to meet her, and feeling her dance around is simply the greatest (and freakiest!) joy I've ever experienced.

A smattering of the bump

4. Brad is deploying! Don't let the exclamation mark fool you, I am not in the least bit excited about this tid bit. Brad is headed to Afghanistan this fall for nine months as a platoon leader for a Sapper combat engineer platoon. Cue extremely proud wife moment. It is yet to be determined whether or not he will be given the chance to jet home to try to catch the birth of his daughter. We have good and bad days coming to terms with all of this, but ultimately this is the life we agreed to proudly live. I hope I will have the courage to face this first huge family sacrifice with grace, especially with a daughter depending on me to be strong for her too.

5. Hopes and plans! Our upcoming major life changes have led to the decision that I will transition into a new role: stay-at-home mom. I am excited about this opportunity but also nervous. Ever since we made the decision together, I have been brainstorming ways I can hold myself accountable for productivity. I do not want to fall into a bad habit of letting my creative drive go to waste. That being said, a few close friends and family members have fabulous instructional blogs of all sorts that I enjoy scouring for tips. I hope not only to continue to use my writing as an outlet for the happenings of our life but also to share fun crafts, recipes, style ideas, and all of the baby things I am learning (I apologize in advance). You can thank my lovely sister Whitney and friend and fellow Army wife Rose for this inspiration to share new things!

Whitney à la mode & H&R Blog

Consider yourself updated. Fingers crossed months don't go by before you hear from me again!