It has taken me (almost) 30 years to get to a point in life where I am truly proud of the wife, mom, friend, and daughter that I am. I cherish honesty, true friendships, and genuine happiness. Just in the past few months I have found myself in a pretty dark place. This usually happens to me at about this time after every Army PCS (permanent change of station) as I am settling into a new city, a new routine, and a new group of friends. But this time has felt much different. After a lot of reflection, I realized it was not any one person or group making me feel so down. My confidence in who I am is finally so strong that it cannot be shaken by negativity anyone throws at me. Instead the main culprit is the comparison and feelings of exclusion that social media creates. The negativity is self-made as we sit behind our screens. But the beauty of something so ugly you've created is that also means you are entirely in control of it.
For a long time I've sat back in envy of the people who seem to be able to use social media in all the right ways. They don't overshare, and they have a sort of tunnel vision for the positive people who are also using social media in an uplifting way. They don't let the pettiness and inauthenticity get under their skin. Most importantly, the peek I get into their life seems real. It is not always a perfectly painted picture. I honestly do try to share the good days along with the wild days when I am barely hanging on. The things that make me jump for joy and those that make me want to tantrum right alongside of my toddler. But I will gladly admit that I feel addicted in a way that has become unhealthy. I find myself too often trying to get the perfect picture or video clip to immediately blast out to the social media world rather than enjoying the moment as I'm in it. Why? I find myself comparing my kids' milestones, my postpartum body, my decision to put my career on hold to stay at home, my wardrobe, my home decor, my inability to get a nice dinner on the table on time most days, my social life.... Why?
In an effort to be truthful with myself, I know I don't wish to make a clean break from social media. I have many long distance loved ones who enjoy it for keeping up with our life and watching our kids grow. Plus I love the picture history social media logs for us. And lets face it, Eloise and Harvey are just too cute and hilarious and brilliant not to share with the world. But everything in moderation.
My realization that social media has become an unhealthy thing for me stems all the way back to New Years. My husband and I don't really make solid resolutions, but we do like to talk about the small changes we could be making with a fresh start to see big improvements in our happiness. When I brought up these feelings to my incredibly wise best friend who always seems to know just the thing to say, he had a great idea. Once a week on Sunday afternoons, I am going to set aside some time to share a few highlights from our week. A Witt family highlight reel, if you will. That will be the only point throughout the week that I log on. It is my intent to be more present with my kids as we are living each day. They deserve my full attention, and I deserve not to miss a single second of their precious lives with my face glued to my phone screen. I have been graciously given a front row seat to watch their lives unfold, and you better believe I am going to set myself up for success to embrace it.
So how in the world am I planning to do this? I have moved the apps on my phone to a folder that says "Save it for Sunday" and placed it out of sight on the second screen. I turned all notifications off. I am a week into this change and you'd be shocked if you knew the number of times my thumb automatically reaches for the spot those apps used to be. Like I said, this gift to myself is not one that will provide instant gratification. This is hard. I mean really hard. It is a change that requires almost constant mindfulness. Another thing I have done to set myself up to do this and do it well is to keep good books handy. I really love to read. Now instead of aimlessly scrolling before bed I am diving into a stack of must-read books I have had waiting for me, claiming to be too exhausted for by the end of my day. To satisfy my urge for mindless clicking in waiting rooms or during down time I am clicking into a new motivational quotes app instead that sits where my Facebook app used to be. So far it has been incredibly difficult but also refreshing. I am really looking forward to the gift of mental clarity and a newfound appreciation for every minute of my day that I know this change will bring once the habit has been broken.
I will leave it at this. If you have ever logged on to a social media outlet and felt the sting of comparison creeping in, you are not alone. If you've felt the pressure to post the perfect family picture to gain some sort of weird online admiration, you are not alone. I know you've heard it before, but I will say it again. Comparison is the thief of joy. I know from my own experience and from witnessing personal relationships that what you see on social media is not real life. It is so far from it. Your life is yours to live and you'd be mistaken to waste it on the hunt for little red pop-up notifications that someone is in awe your life as seen on social media. Let people instead admire you for the way you laugh out loud when your kids are funny with no camera rolling to capture it. Let them admire you for the way you reach out via text or email to exchange pictures of things that are happy in both of your lives. I promise that personal connection will make them feel a thousand times better than any "like" ever will. Let them admire you for the way you are totally present and engaged during a dinner out, phone completely out of sight. The quality conversation and time spent with a friend is worth more than staging a cheers with wine glasses to get the perfect boomerang.
When I told Brad about these new goals, he said, "It's funny that something created to connect us ends up isolating everyone instead." Wow. That really hit me. Powerful stuff. I have had conversations with close friends explaining the emotions I've been going through and the changes I am making. Each and every one could completely empathize and had felt similar in ways. They totally understood. Except for my mom. She is still mourning the loss of her beloved instastory viewing of our day every night. Sorry Grandma Sue!
Surround yourself with people that lift you up, people that make you a better person. And be present in your life. Just be there! Don't be on Facebook or Instagram, Twitter or what have you. It is amazing in the one short week I have been completely off line the number of times I have noticed and appreciated a million more small things in my day. Even just Eloise running across our sunny backyard with our dog Ruby happily bobbing along side of her nearly made me cry joyful tears yesterday. Normally I would have missed that tiny moment. Make a change, even just a small one to begin with, and I promise you'll be better for it. You will probably even feel a little bit free.
With her arm around him, E explained to H,
"Don't you worry Harvey P, Dadford is just giving the grass a tiny haircut."
I sat in the sunshine in awe of this moment instead of updating my newsfeed. I would have missed this.
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